A double-edged sword
Your being a physician certainly does have its perks for your family, too. Gertler is a stay-at-home dad, largely due to Sue Kost’s comfortable salary. He’s very grateful for the opportunity to spend so much time with their three kids, who are in ninth, sixth, and first grade.
He’s also appreciative of his wife’s diagnostic abilities. “I don’t have to know anything about medicine myself and my children are in very good hands,” says Gertler. “It’s a real load off my mind, if my kids get up in the middle of the night.” When their 2-year-old fell off the swing set, Dr. Kost heard the cry and calmly surmised, “Hmm, sounds like she broke her leg.” And off to the emergency room they went for X-rays and a cast. No panicking.
Your medical skills also give your kids something to look up to, in addition to the obvious practical benefits. Even very young children sense the singular aura of a physician. Gertler says his first-grader “gets it” that sometimes kids get sick unexpectedly, and that Mom might have to leave a birthday party to help out. You’re a walking inspiration; never doubt that.
Make sure you walk on the right side of the line between inspiration and pressure, though. It’s natural to hope your offspring will choose your career choice as their own; that may or may not happen.
Weadon did not; instead, he became a meteorologist. “I think [my father] would’ve been very proud if I had [gone into medicine],” says Weadon. “But he never expected me to.”
A fragile balance
Hopefully, your family is doing its part to accept your occupation with all its hazards. You must also return the favor, however, as best you can. Don’t succumb to the temptation of letting work rule your life unnecessarily. Specifically:
Keep work at work. Who hasn’t come home in a foul mood at times because of something annoying happening at work? A key employee unexpectedly quits. A higher-up habitually interrupts and wags her finger insultingly in your face while lecturing. And let’s not forget the public (who doesn’t feel good, in your case, making them even crabbier) and all the bad manners it can dish out.
Even the more dire issues, such as fighting to collect from payers, the threat of malpractice suits, the inevitable medical error — all weigh you down understandably. It’s all important, no argument there, but your kids can only love you, so be lovable. To them you’re Mommy or Daddy, not Doctor. When your foot crosses the threshold, assume the role of parent.
“Try to compartmentalize it,” says Weadon. “There’s work and there’s home. Even though emergencies can dictate, there are things you can control. Try to leave work and be a [parent] to the extent that you can.”
Not that you can’t capitalize on “teachable moments” that relate to your job. Weadon was well-apprised while growing up of the heinous nature of head injuries caused by motorcycle crashes. “A surgeon in my dad’s profession was called in at all hours, often in the middle of the night,” he says. This made a big impression on Weadon.
But when your tweener daughter meets you at the door, bubbling over with important news — Sarah told Billy that Shannon heard Adrian tell Carla that Derek likes her! — give her your full attention (even if you can’t follow the sentence). Resist sneaking peeks at your cell phone or uttering automatic “uh-huhs.” Nobody’s denying you have a uniquely important position in society. But your 6-year-old will think you’re a superhero if you challenge him to a third game of Sorry! to settle once and for all who is the supreme champion of the evening.
Confide in your spouse. This may sound a bit paradoxical, but if something bad does happen at work, discuss it. Your spouse promised to cleave to you, for better or for worse; take advantage of this avowed gift. “Even when she’s home at a regular time and doesn’t need to be napping, there can be tense times because of the nature of her work; it’s draining,” says Gertler of his pediatrician wife. “On days like that she really needs a lot of moral support. I’ve learned not to pry too much, unless she wants to talk about it.
… I let her decide what to do with it.”
But why leave your spouse to guess? Tell them, clearly and succinctly, during a noncrisis moment, what you need and how you need it when things go badly at work. Need to stew a couple hours and then talk about things over a bottle of wine? Fine. Or maybe a good long walk with your husband and two dachshunds, while you open your stress vent to relieve the pressure, works better for you? Great. Any (legal and safe) method is fine. Just make sure you share your ups and downs with your spouse. Don’t think you don’t need this, that “strong and silent” is better for your family.
Make adjustments when needed. Someday, you may have to make changes in the way you work for the good of your family. For example, when Elaine Hale was diagnosed with serious kidney disease halfway through rearing the kids in Orlando, her physician-husband closed his practice and took a job with the county. “He found something that allowed him to be more connected to home,” says Elaine Hale, for which she has always been grateful. “We’ve both given and taken over the years.”
Sue Kost made some changes for the sake of family life, too. Sick of missing so many of the kids’ activities, she now splits her time between the emergency room and supervising the day-medicine program at the hospital.
